23 Reasons Why I Won’t Go Out with You—And 3 Reasons Why I Might

You know what I wish?

I wish dating played out in real life more like it does in my head . . .

You dress up; he arrives at seven and is all like, “Woah, you look incredible!” (and you’re like, “Yeah, I know”); you have a fun night out (including a delicious free meal); you say a sweet goodbye; he says he hopes to “see you again soon.” You later fall asleep smiling as you recall how nice the evening was.

But in my experience, that is often not how it goes.

And maybe it’s just me (it usually is), but dating just seems to have gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. Especially when you think of what it was in our parents’ or grandparents’ generations.

The mystery of getting to know someone in person, the loveliness of saying goodbye at the door followed by a swift kiss on the cheek, the courtesy and gallantry . . . I often feel like it has all been replaced by screens and swipes and snaps and we-should-hang-out-sometimes.

I’m sure there are myriad reasons for this shift and that only part of it has to do with technology, but in any case, I’ve set out to correct it —at least in my own dating life.

So guys, know this: women do want to go out with you. We really do. But sometimes we can’t. We can’t because we want to be treated a certain way. We value certain qualities in a potential mate. We want to have a good and healthy relationship, not one determinedly doomed for a direly disastrous demise.

Pretty good alliteration there, huh?

Perhaps you find this list entirely unrealistic. But I can think of a world where these “high standards” were just the norm.

For your sake as much as mine, I put together this list of twenty-three reasons why I won’t go out with you.

Read it and weep, gentlemen.

Or laugh hysterically because you think I’m crazy.

1. I won’t go out with you because, as it turns out, you’re seeing someone else . . .

2. Or you stopped seeing someone else way too recently . . .

3. And, as it also turns out, you treat sex with the same gravitas as trying on a pair of khakis.

4. I won’t go out with you because you asked me out via some form of social media or over text and refuse to pick up the phone or talk to me in person (I guess you never got your cooties immunization).

5. I won’t go out with you because you still haven’t asked me, and I can only text someone for so long before I get bored or forget to respond. (For the record, I honestly don’t enjoy texting.)

6. I won’t go out with you because you have a “socialism’s not that bad” type of perspective—I guess it seems pretty reasonable when you’re living out of your parents’ basement.

7. I won’t go out with you because you’re too busy watching Netflix to pick up a book.

8. I won’t go out with you because you watch porn and are unwilling to stop.

9. I won’t go out with you because you don’t get the door for me, or anyone else.

10. I won’t go out with you because you can’t decide where we should go to eat, much less what you’re looking for in a relationship. Seriously, just pick one already. (But don’t pick a place I don’t want to go to.)

11. I won’t go out with you because you talk about yourself way too much and take yourself much too seriously.

12. I won’t go out with you because you respond to my jokes with a blank stare (I’m funny okay?).

13. I won’t go out with you because you’re on your phone while we’re together.

14. I won’t go out with you because you think Parks and Rec is better than The Office. That’s just wrong. It’s science.

15. I won’t go out with you because you have the gall to tell me I look “nice.”

I want to be challenged to be the-best-version-of-myself by the people I surround myself with. I suspect you might appreciate someone who pushes you to be the best man you can be.

16. I won’t go out with you because you’re lazy. Do some yard work. It won’t kill you.

17. I won’t go out with you because you’re too scared to talk about topics that really matter or anything controversial. And I’m deep. Like the ocean.

18. I won’t go out with you because you don’t take initiative, and I won’t wait around.

19. I won’t go out with you because you’re “more of a tea person.” Unless you’re British, in which case this is acceptable.

20. I won’t go out with you because you stand for nothing—so you’ll fall for anything.

21. I won’t go out with you because you don’t take care of yourself. “Sexy slob” is not a thing.

22. I won’t go out with you because you expect love to be easy.

23. I won’t go out with you because you laughed hysterically at this list and now you think I’m crazy.


Perhaps you find this list entirely unrealistic. You wouldn’t be the first (my ex thinks so, too). But I can think of a world where these “high standards” were just the norm. A world where men lifted their hats when they greeted a woman, where “calling on someone” meant actually seeing them and talking to them in person, where courtship trumped “talking” and commitment conquered fear.

Additionally, I know men who meet my expectations—and then some. And just as I want to be challenged to be the-best-version-of-myself by the people I surround myself with, I suspect you might appreciate someone who pushes you to be the best man you can be.

And if you don’t, maybe you should.

That said, here are three reasons I would go out with you:

1. You’re a good man.

2. You challenge me to be a better woman.

3. You’re willing to give it (relationships, life) all you’ve got.

So I guess now might be a good time for you to come up with all the reasons you wouldn’t go out with me . . . because I really can’t think of any.

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